11 letter word.

Miscarriage. 

I never gave that word much thought..and I especially never thought that word would become apart of my story. But it has.

On February 26, 2015, we found out that we were pregnant with our second sweet little baby! Just like with Weslee Grace we were surprised but couldn't be more thrilled..and perhaps a little scared. But SO thrilled.  I was so excited that they were going to be so close in age, almost exactly the same distance apart as my brother and I. Guaranteed best friends for life. I called and scheduled my first appointment to meet with our doctor on March 23rd (my brothers birthday)…funny how I was much more relaxed on scheduling an appointment this time. A few weeks went by and I had a gut feeling something was wrong but my sweet husband reassured me that everything was fine and I just like to worry about everything, which is a correct statement too.

We headed to the doctor early afternoon on, March 23rd, with little bit in tow (that will make any doctors visit interesting :) )! We did the usually pregnancy tests...blood pressure, weight gain, blah blah blah then waited and waited for our doctor..who mouthed "oh my gosh" to me when she saw me sitting in the waiting room, just another reason I love her, so is so honest! :)  Weslee Grace was over the doctors office at this point but was trying to be a trooper. My Dr. came in and did the ultrasound, and found a heart beat immediately but the u/s showed that I was measuring about 3.5 weeks further behind than we thought that I should be. She didn't seem  alarmed with it being a pregnancy so close to Weslee and the fact that I was still nursing Weslee but wanted to get some blood work done and then we discussed the two scenarios.
1) The baby may have stopped growing and this was early signs of a miscarriage.
2) Our dates were off.
We prayed for the second option. We prayed hard.

We were instructed to come back in 1 week...can I just tell you that this was one of the longest weeks of my life.

On Wednesday they called and told me that one of my hormone levels was great but that they wanted me to start a pill that would help to boost some of my other hormones that were lower than what they like. So we did…I started taking Progesterone.

The beginning of the ACTUAL longest week.
On Monday we headed back to the doctor to check on our sweet baby. It was a strange feeling to head to the baby doctor not knowing if the baby inside me was going to be okay, but we were trusting our ever so loving God and knew that he had a plan for our family...No matter what…but that "no matter what" part was hard to wrap our heads around.

We had another ultrasound done..and lo and behold there was a strong heartbeat at 155 and the sweetest tiny babe. You could see the shock and happiness come across my doctors face, and you heard the relief in the room from Will and I.  Something inside of me still wasn't convinced... I just couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong.  I desperately wanted to be excited about this baby, and I was.. so I pushed through! We scheduled an appointment for the beginning of May and everyone left happy!

Tuesday morning little bit woke up extra early, like 5 am. She never gets up this early. I got up to feed her and and then was going to put her right back down. When I was feeding her I started spotting. I texted my mom, woke up Will and then we waited for the doctors office to open so I could call the doctor. Later that morning mom, Weslee Grace and I headed to the doctors office ( I was going to see another doctor, my doctor was in surgery).
**Side note: I had bleeding with WG early (9 weeks) on because of a busted blood vessel so I wasn't super concerned at this point.

They got me right in and the ultrasound tech once again found a heart beat immediately. I feel like I should of had a bigger sigh of relief at this point but for some reason I wasn't convinced everything was okay. Even while the tech took some more measurements she told me to relax, she was watching the heartbeat and it was strong, but I just couldn't. I  waited to see the doctor and then she explained to me that I had a Subchorionic Hemorrhage. It was about 2 cm long, and fairly close to the baby but they assured me that this is not uncommon and most women go on to have health pregnancies, but it did increase my risk of miscarriage, a little. I was told to take it easy and rest...with a 10 month old ;)

We went home and the next two days were pretty uneventful, still spotting but nothing more than what was going Tuesday. My MIL came by on Wednesday to bring me lunch and to help with Weslee! So thankful for her!

On Thursday, Weslee and I got packed up and went to stay the day with my dad so that he could help me with Weslee since I was not supposed to be picking her up and was supposed to be resting. Thursday afternoon the spotting began to pick up a little bit and I began to notice a few cramps, but they were more like an annoyance than anything severe. We spent the whole day with my dad!  WG had a blast, she loves her capt'…as did I, something about being around your dad at any age is comforting! He took her to the park to swing, they played with Angus, crawled all over the house getting in to everything! Later, Weslee and I headed home to meet Will. Around 7:00 I noticed that the spotting was picking up but the doctor had told me that this may happen so Will reassured me that everything was okay but we could call the doctor in the morning if that would make me feel better. At this point I think I knew something was wrong and I was getting worried. My parents came by that evening to check on us since, they were in the area, and we prayed and they went on their way. About an hour after they left, things really began to change.

Around 9:30 that night I had a miscarriage. I am not sure what I thought it was supposed to feel like but in a strange since I was relieved. I finally knew what was going on, there was no more guessing if the baby was okay or not. He/she was not. To say that it was a relief sounds very odd and morbid but I was relieved. Extremely sad but relieved that I wasn't guessing if I was going to have a baby or not..

From the beginning of my pregnancy when things started off so rocky I memorized and would recite in my head Romans 8:18 over and over and over. "For I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us" I clung to this verse. Knowing that our sweet baby was in heaven now and has seen the face of our Lord and Savior was the most comforting thought I had. Do not get me wrong there were tears, lots of tears, and I am sure that there are going to be more tears in the coming days and months from now, but I know that our God has a more amazing plans for my sweet little family than I could even dream of. We serve an almighty, loving and faithful God…which doesn't mean we always get what we want or what we think is best but he never forsakes us.

Through this all I felt like God is/was teaching me what it truly means to have faith…and not to be in control. Faith is such a hard topic to explain, and it can be tough to truly understand. But faith is all we have. I have faith that God has is hands in all of this and that he knows what my family needs and at this moment in time that sweet little baby was not meant to spend time here on earth with us but I know he/she will be waiting for us in heaven one day.

Miscarriage is tough but knowing that our sweet babe is with our heavenly father is such a sweet thought.